


So You Think I'm a Hunk

by Prim_the_Amazing



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blind Date, F/M, Nepeta is a meddling shipper, POV Equius Zahhak, Rare Pairings, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:38:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/pseuds/Prim_the_Amazing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You sit down, expecting her to do the same. Nepeta's trained you out of pulling her chair out for her by now. "Look out for the girl with the blue rose in her hair. Happy Valentine's Day!" </p><p>And then she sprints out of the cafe, presumably to spend a very romantic, (wrongly!) guilt-free evening with her boyfriend. </p><p>It is then that you realize that you have been set up. For a blind date. You break out into a cold sweat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You Think I'm a Hunk

"But you should spend the day with Vantas," you argue as Nepeta leads you to the cat cafe the two of you frequently attend. "It is Valentine's Day, after all. It is only appropriate to spend it with your significant other." There is also the fact that you know that both Nepeta and Karkat care very much about such culturally romantic things. 

"You're my best furriend, silly!" Nepeta smiles at you. "I won't let you spend today all alone while all of the coupawles smooch around you." 

It is admittedly fairly depressing. All of your friends seem to be taken... Except for you. But still, you won't take this day away from Nepeta as well. 

"I order you to leave and go spend time with Karkat," you say sternly. _Sometimes_ she listens to you. 

"Fine!" she says. You are taken aback. Even when she does follow your orders-- _advice_ she always puts up a fight to see how serious you are first. Something is up, she was planning on giving in to your arguments. She must be angling for something-- "But only on these conditions." 

Of course, you're right. No one knows Nepeta as well as you. 

"Furrst of all," she reaches into the pocket of her overly large trench coat, "Wear this!" 

She pins something to your hair near your ear, just out of your field of view. You can vaguely see something bright pink out of the corner of your eye. You reach up to it cautiously but it bends easily beneath your fingers instead of breaking. Fabric, then. 

"It's a flower," she explains impatiently. She brandishes her hand in a V sign innapropriately close your face. "Condition numbepurr two! Be nice!" 

"What, to who--" 

"Condition numbepurr three!" She is just flat out ignoring you now. She isn't really fit for polite society, you lament. "Don't run!" 

She holds open the door for you. Her inane chatter had been just so distracting. Usually she'd have had to resort to some sort of dirty trick to be able to be the one to hold open the door for you, instead of the other way around. Not that this doesn't somehow constiture as a dirty trick, although you still aren't sure of what is going on. 

"Don't run from _what_ exactly, Nepeta?" Your patience is running thin. 

"From _who_ ," she corrects you, grinning mischievously, pulling out a chair for you. You sit down, expecting her to do the same. Nepeta's trained you out of pulling her chair out for her by now. "Look out for the girl with the blue rose in her hair. Happy Valentine's Day!" 

And then she sprints out of the cafe, presumably to spend a very romantic, (wrongly!) guilt-free evening with her boyfriend. 

It is then that you realize that you have been set up. For a blind date. You break out into a cold sweat. 

You tear your handkerchief as you fumble it out of your pants pocket. It's fine, you've got literal hundreds in boxes at your home, and a torn handkerchief is still a handkerchief that can be dabbed upon a perspirating forehead. You have to-- you can't run. Leave. Not only did you sort of prompse Nepeta not to, but it would also be unthinkably rude towards your unknown date to do so. It's not as if they-- she knows that you were tricked into this. You think. Probably. Maybe. Nepeta tends towards barbarians friendship-wise (and romantically), except you, of course, which is why you're her _best_ friend. 

She is going to get such an earful over this once this train wreck is over with. You just know that your date will be dissapointed-- 

"Hi!" A dark blue cloth rose pinned to blonde, perfectly styled hair is what catches your eye first. Next, pink high lights. Pink eyes. Eye contacts? Surely. Black lipstick. _Certainly_ not dressed for the chilly February weather, which is worrying-- 

"Yes, hello," you greet her lamely as you realize that you've been silent for an awkward amount of time, studying her. Already off to a bad start. 

She smiles at you like you'd said something charming, and pulls out her own chair and sits down. 

"Fiddlesticks," slips out of your mouth, unbidden. 

She blinks at you, perplexed, still smiling just a bit, still apparently charmed. 

"I should have pulled out the chair for you," you explain. Why do you always end up explaining these things to people? Everyone should know this, it's what is _proper_. 

She laughs at you, and you flush. She stands up to leave, and you look down at the table. A new personal record, considering words spoken and time passed. She doesn't walk away right away, though, and you look up, wondering what she wants. 

"What?" you ask her. 

"Aren't you going to pull out my chair for me?" she asks. 

"Is this-- are you _mocking_ \--" Of course she is. 

"No!" she says, all wide eyed surprise at your accusation. "I just thought that if you want to pull out my chair then I'll let you. And eye-em-o, it's pretty cute, actually."

"Eye-em-o?" you ask. 

Now it's her turn to flush. "In my opinion. Sorry, my only friends were online for so long that it's kinda' hard to turn of the text speak." She shoots you a self-depreciating grin, and you're convinced that she's not just making fun of you. You guess although Nepeta's friends (and romantic partners) tend towards barbarianism, they also tend towards genuine kindness. Which is the only reason you don't insist that she not spend any time with them at all (even outright encourage it, in fact, although you try to be subtle about that). 

You stand up, walk around the table, and pull out her chair for her. She sits daintily down, smiling. She's barely stopped smiling at all, in fact. A naturally cheery person, much like Nepeta herself. 

"So," you blurt. "How do you know Nepeta?" 

"Well we first hit it off on an RP site, but we _really_ started chatting once we found each other again on a cat forum." She waves down a waitress. "Name's Roxy, bee-tee-double-u." (BTW. By the way. You know at least that one.)

You can hastily grab a napkin from the dispenser and dab at your face. You'd forgotten to introduce yourself, which is the first thing one should always do when conversing with a new person, of course. Of course. You're so rude-- "Equius Zahhak," you reply quickly, before your eariler mistake of letting an awkward silence take place. Wait, was it wrong to say your full name when she only said her first one? What was the protocol for that again-- 

The waitress clears her throat to catch your attention, and you're glad that you weren't holding a glass because you would've broken it right then. 

"A glass of, of milk, please," you stutter. "And a bran muffin." 

"Yes sir. And you?" The waitress turns pleasantly towards Roxy. She rattles off an order that is as complicated as it is sickeningly sweet. The waitress writes it down with seeming professional ease. 

She leaves the two of you behind, and you instantly try to scramble for conversation. There is no such thing as a comfortable silence with you, excepting Nepeta. 

"Sooo, what's a hunk like you doing alone on Valentine's Day?" Roxy beats you to the punch, and you splutter. 

" _Me_? If anything, I should ask you the same." She is considerably attractive. 

"So you think I'm a hunk, huh? I can dig it." She winks flirtatiously at you. 

The waitress arrives with your orders, and you're relieved to have something to hide with, an excuse to use when you can't find a sufficient answer. Like now. You try desperately not to cough when you swallow the milk down the wrong pipe. 

She giggles often, and you suspect it's because she thinks you're funny, even though you tell no jokes. Although the accidental equine themed pun occasionally slips through. She's good at flustering you. You mention your robots, and then she enthusiastically starts rambling about her coding, and you're trully fascinated. You'd always been more fascinated with the hardware, but the way she talks about optimal battle software, knowing when it's best to dodge and capitalize on a slip and perfectly throw a punch-- well. It makes you maybe reevaluate software just a bit. Maybe you could make a battle bot together some day? She _squeals_ when you bring it up. 

Maybe Nepeta won't get _such_ a big earful about this once you see her again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Equius should always be following an outdated, problematic code of conduct for him to be considered Equius. In this case, I imagine that his parents raised him to follow some pretty antiquated customs that can honestly be sort of sexist and stiff and such. Luckily, Roxy finds most of his behaviors charming! Most.


End file.
